As one travels through time

Taking a breather.... to pause, look around and look back for a lil' while keeping the present in mind-So how are things really?

As of all things, there's its black, white & greys.

A lot of the darker days has much to do with just readjusting to the current situation and accepting the shifts in circumstance and saying goodbye to what is already, gone.

Letting go & acknowledging that by-gones should be as they may and need to, has been immensely difficult.

While the sensibilities of the situation are neither elusive nor are they hard to comprehend, what the mind knows, the heart may not.

The disconnection within the self began disrupting any sense of normalcy. Sometimes, I felt as though my entire being is wrapped in cotton. No matter what I touched or what reached me, I could feel it but then, not really. Reality became fragmented and disjointed. As the hearts cries out, the mind knows there is no real issue at hand to be dealt with for all that needs to be done, is done or has been done.

Though acceptance remains the clear answer, it is a long process of which no matter how much we desire, its pace is not determined by how much we seek or will it.
Understanding does not necessarily beget acceptance, although it is however the first step in initiating the healing process while at the same time mitigating the harshness of truth.

With the passage of time, as the old adage goes, wounds will heal.

Live in any condition no matter how harsh, if you survive, thank the basic instinct of self-preservation facilitated through the natural process of adaptation.
Hence, I adapted.

Where the whites are concerned, herein lies the worth of all pain and efforts endured.
The price of this new found gain, who bears right to say it is better or worse than its previous state.

My being resonates that it IS indeed for the better good. True to what was previously merely imagined, budding leaves have begun their formation. Lest it be mistaken for, I take no credit whatsoever for this positive turn of events. It is simply a progression of turns brought about by circumstance and positive influences (of which I am very grateful of).

To do nothing in lieu of what's best- A current battle of which is renewed and needs to be reinforced constantly.

Nonetheless, current endeavors and good company has brought about much solace and have filled up much of my time, mind and space- a much needed incubator from the perils of the self.
Slowly but surely, I'm mending.

Albeit times of wallowing, in between drifting and going through the motion of things, I mostly just keep swimming.

I see not the shore, and it shall always remains hardly the point.
Where I am, is where I'll be, for now.

The Biteback

Every decision made shall have its consquence.
May the existing aftermath be of positive or negative effect, this is invariably determined by the perception of the perceiver.

In efforts to protect the relationships which I treasure, the people whom I care for, and my privacy, at times I have actively taken steps to mislead others with regards to the current occurances in my life.

Naturally, these "others" are in reference to those who are at best, people with whom I am simply not close to and at worst people who have lost my trust. In my mind's eye, I feel it is perfectly justified that the said individuals do not need to know the accurate details of my personal life or lifestyle.

Nevertheless, in lieu of new becomings and unexpected circumstance, I forsee possible repercussions to my personal integrity due to these choices. As they were made at a time when deemed necessary; regrets, I have none.

My only concern is of the spill-over effect it may have with involved parties.
If you are not in the know, I am highly protective of my loved ones.
Speak what you may find fanciful of me; leave them...pretty please?
Ha! Just kidding~
Who am I to kid?
Control may only be exerted over oneself & no other.

So is this possible aftermath positive or negative?
Though it bends suspiciously towards the ickier side...I shall call it collateral damage.

Hence as the storm beckons, I am getting set to put up the tarp, readying the raincoats and preparing the umbrellas.

Need I spell it out for ya?

I'm a go dancin' in the rain~

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson of the day:

"Gossip is too easy to orchestrate; even when unintentioned."

~The Appy* Conductor

What Do I Love about My Country?

Out of the blue, I was asked.
This question caught me off guard.
No really!
Seriously!!

Ask yourself, when was the last time someone asked you this question in earnest without any hint of sarcasm, & is serious in obtaining a genuine answer. Aaaand with that said, the questioner receives a genuinely thought-out answer; not those overly disseminated, used & reused answers which possess themes of diversity / unity / harmony / peace / even FOOD!

A far cry from the typical mamak sessions whereby everyone takes turns to poke at the existing holes of the system and enlist creativity and serious thought merely to generate banter for the benefit of the group's funny bone. Sound familiar?

Well it should, one of Malaysia's most favourite pastime (after the eating of wonderful local food) is after all, complaining / "discussing" politics. Just read the papers, travel around the blogosphere & yum cha every night with different groups of friends for a week, you'll get the idea.

At this point, somewhere I think some people might go:

"Girly, you outta your mind? Have you got your head int he clouds? Where's this going? Are you trying to rally us into some mood of idealistic patriotism & let bygones be? You sure you're talking bout Malaysia here? Coz we got some crazy sh*t going on down here that "What do I love about my country?" ain't gonna remedy. In any case, what's there to love, huh?"

In being asked the question which really is at present time, the "butt of all jokes", I too, couldn't think of anything else to love about Malaysia other than the wonderful array of Malaysian Food, my friends & family, & the fact that my Home IS Malaysia.

Here was my initial thought: "With all that is taking place such as the ever changing education system, the dubious political plays, infringement of human rights of both Malaysians & Non-Malaysians, lack of protection or preservation of our available resources from homegrown skills to flora and fauna, the widespread intolerance and so on so forth...besides those aspects aforementioned, it really is difficult to add onto the list."

But then, the questioner persists:

"Imagine that you've left Malaysia and now reside elsewhere.What would you look back and say,
This ( fill in the blank ) is what I love about my country."

With this new angle in mind, here is my answer.

My answer is a narcissistic one.
For if there is one more thing which I can cite that I love about my country, is that it has molded and shaped me into the person whom I am today. Corny or cheesy as it may seem, Malaysia has taught me many lessons of which some I had witnessed with my own eyes, some absorbed through osmosis by living here, and some through learning about the history which shrouds the country of which I know as my only home.

Some harsher lessons learnt have touched upon topics such as intolerance, ignorance, insensitivity, rejection, rigidity, moral policing, religion regulations, uniformity, inequality, totalitarianism, lies, discrimination, unfairness, injustice and hate.

For what's worth of these lessons, is that they showed me that there are always two sides to a coin. For with every view, there is always an opposing, with the most important point of focus being to fight untruths with truths; rather than to fear dissent and pummeling it into oblivion. Keeping in mind of the blacks and whites of an argument, I looked only to find that certain truths lie within grey areas; while additionally, when placed in various specific circumstances, that same truth can appear in all three shades of black, white and gray.

It is also inevitable it seems, that sometimes our own personal truths may not agree with other people's truths. Here, I learned that I need not have others share my view, in order for me to accept that their views differ from mine. So long as I or anyone does not infringe upon the rights of other persons or act outside jurisdiction or law, the right to hold onto my views and act upon them is mine and mine alone, with the same being for anyone else.

With that said, it has also been brought to my attention, that not all views accepted by majority and espoused by them are necessarily the real truths of the world. This includes social and cultural norms, religiousity, and even the laws and regulations set by higher leveled authorities. From this, I have learned the importance of being able to review and analyze the views I have been provided with, before using logic, reason and intellect to derive my own understanding and decide my own views.

Last but not least, I have also learned that I am not perfect, will never be, and that it's A-Okay! However the lesson here I learnt is that learning is a lifelong and ongoing process of which I should not fear out of the need to be within familiar comfort zones. But learn to accept with courage and challenge myself into striving for greater heights and to not fear my own goals, dreams and desires.

For when I dare to seek to be the individual of which I truly desire to be (without causing harm onto others or myself), rather than the "me" of which I am expected to be by others, therein lies the difference between SURVIVING and LIVING.

With Living, it is a fact of life that nothing shall come to pass without due effort. Hence, for all the reasons of which I couldn't find to love my country with, I then ask myself:

"What had / have/ will / shall I do today to change that?"

Thoughts while Driving Miss Daisy

Question of the day:

Describe your what goes through your mind and what-not as you leave home and go about with daily life on a typical day in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

Prior to leaving my home...
I check that all windows, doors & grills are locked & secured, leave my sliding door 50%-ish apart, & ensure that the television is left turned on, along with a few selective lights. Why?
Well, all to give the impression that there IS someone at home, to deter break-ins of course!

Last thing to do before getting into the car, is to inspect the car itself. Fyi to those not in the know, I drive a banged up lil' thing which has been on the road for over 20 yrs now. It guzzles engine oil more than I do water. Without the proper water / oil / etc checks (yes I have sufficient knowledge on what goes where & how- the car taught me over the years, see), the last thing I need is for the car to stall at some obscure road, with me alone in it, at night! ANY Malaysian would need no further explanation for that statement. Hint: dodgy opportunistic characters, robbers & creepy so called Samaritans / drivers in "need" to lure unassuming Samaritans, have made headlines here a time too many.

Immediately after getting into my car, I lock all the car doors, ensure that my bag is placed on the floor of my car, & that valuables are kept out of sight.
This is done to prevent anyone from breaking my windshield to make a grab out of my handbag / cellphone / wallet, or worse still, from hijacking my car & kidnapping me.


As I drive the car out of the front porch, I linger slightly to watch the automated front gate of my home close fully before driving away.
This is done to ensure that no one tries to rush into my home just as I leave.


Soon, I arrive at a t-junction which leads to the main road leaving my housing area. Though the structure of the road & the rules of the road suggests that I have the right of way. Hence I should also by right, need not slow down / stop at all. It is often that I do so to avoid any unfortunate incidents. This generally irks any driver who happens to be "unfortunate" enough to be behind me, to honk and show me their impatience for wasting seconds of their time. That particular junction in mention is famous for accidents (which I deem unnecessary), as drivers who do not have the right of way, think otherwise. Despite precautions, I've experienced a few brushes of near-collisions. Hence, I continuously choose my life over other people's impatience.


Moving on, I reach the traffic light which will lead me towards the highway. Red, Green, Yellow. The standard colours for every traffic light in the world. Watch the light go Green & you're set to GO! Right? Nope. Not to me. I tend to stall for at least 3 whole seconds to ensure that the road is clear of drivers & motorcyclists on opposite / other sides of the road, who feel that the Red light is really equivalent to Green. Just like those kiddy lessons we got about crossing the road, you gotta look left, look right, Aaand look left again. Clear? Set! Cross!
My most terrying experience with a traffic light?
As I was set to drive one fine day when the light turned green as the leaves on the tree, I halted not a moment too soon to watch in horror, a Fully occupied speeding school bus ZOOOOM past the nose of my car by mere inches, right in front of my very own eyes!! Till today, I shudder to think of what would have transpired, if it had been otherwise.


Driving on the road, I watch out for drivers who do not like to turn on the signal / indicators which would tell other drivers that they are about to change lanes. Those aren't too hard to spot as one can intuitively tell from the typical characteristics of a car's "body language" when drivers are about to change lanes, even though the decency to indicate as such for safety & courtesy purposes is absent. What's worse than those who don't use their indicator lights, are those who DO but DON'T change lanes / swerve into a junction despite what their indicator suggests.
_____________________________________________________________

What do I make out from it all?

One word: TRUST

That's the problem.
Somehow we've reached a point where we just can't trust anyone, anymore.
Be it by necessity, practicality, and in most cases out of fear for our safety, the trust is dead in our current society.

From the moment we step out into the world,
We can't trust that our homes are ever truly safe, that our personal safety will not be compromised because we "show-off" our stuff, that people do stop at junctions, will stop at the red light, will not change lanes when they didn't indicate that they would, that they would even when the indicator is there, that the person whose car has broken down by the roadside isn't a crook ready to turn on us, that when our cars breakdown we can accept help from strangers....the list which is endless begin right before you step out of the comforts of home.

Then again, how safe do you really trust it to be as you reside within its walls?

The sadder thing is that I haven't even delved into the issue of trust in relation to social / interpersonal interactions yet. However, is it any different, one wonders?

If I had a "driving personality", I'd drive with all my windows down, experience the wind in my hair, sloppily dump my stuff onto my passenger seat, and wear the clothes & accessories which I want, without a care for how much unwanted attention it may garner.
In an ideal world, I'd do all these while placing my trust that as long as I exercising my rights as a citizen without infringing on other people's, I can go about as I please.

Since I DO live in the real world, I have to find some form of balance in which I can express my "driving personality" whilst also drawing upon a form of compromised "driving personality" handed to me by the necessities of living among a society.

Hence begs the question, how much and often should we tell ourselves that we need to shield or hide or lie to protect who we are inside from other people around us due to the necessity / dangers out there which indicate that we simply cannot trust the people around us. How far should we keep others at bay? How much can you reveal? Can you be yourself?
Or must you only be what society wants / requires you to be?

How do we live out our lives?
Do you act out from who you are within?
Or do you react, out of what you fear outside?

The lack of trust in today's world permeates every level of the society of men.

From Macro to Micro
Can we trust the lands and its people beyond our shores? Our government? Our fellow countrymen? Our community? Our Boss? Our colleagues? Our acquaintances? Our friends? Our external family? Our immediate family? Ourselves? Can we trust in humanity?

Who do you trust?

My Take on Human Nature

Whether or not we acknowledge or realize it,

reality as we know it is simply centered upon our individualized perceptions and interpretations of the world around us. Simply put, what you or I see, feel, think and understand about life, is in fact life itself!

~

In this sense, we are all also limited by the extent of our ability to perceive and understand our surroundings.

~
Due to this phenomenon,

a variety of themes in human nature will eventually present itself through the relationships which we have with these limitations, be it given by elements of physicality or embraced by intellect. With the realization of our limitations, some are compelled to seek for clues, to attempt to understand and to discover answers, only to find that there are more questions to be asked and more answers to be sought after; hence the cycle continues.

~
Some of us are content with what we know and do not feel the need to go on a wild goose chase for an infinite and elusive reality. After all, structure and familiarity create comfort zones which are easily identified with within us, whilst the unknown brings fear. Then there are also those of us who remain oblivious to our limitation, hence the idea of even delving into it will simply not materialize at all unless it is somehow brought into consciousness.

~
I believe that all these varying themes of human nature (mentioned above) are present in each and every one of us; only in varying degrees and specific to the different circumstances which we find ourselves in. For how and why else would we possess great interest in some topics and yet none in others?

~

While some of us need little encouragement, others need a push, and some really just needs to be shown the vast possibilities that lie ahead of them.

Ultimately it comes down to awareness: realizing the impact of one’s decisions, as even unconscious or uninformed actions are results of personal choice to remain in that state.

The Fluffy Moments

A: Hmm... do I make anything beautiful?

B: [long pause] ... you make me feel beautiful inside. You make me feel good about me-

A: [cuts in] -but I don't make anything beautiful...do I?

B: [thoughtful] Well...you're good at finding beautiful things around you.
In movies, in music, and even in people.

A: *lost in thought*

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~knock~knock~knockity~knock~

Having not noticed that one of the biggest compliment I have ever received has been paid, I continued mulling over thoughts of how I should take up 'something' seriously.
i.e. follow up on dancing, focus on writing, take up art or whatever.

It then hit me. They all pale in comparison to how I make people (whom I care about) feel.

Now that indeed is the most beautiful thing anyone can 'make'.

And they don't come with classes /instruction manuals either

It's all heart-to-heart.

I'm all sheepishly warm & fuzzy inside now.

Sealed with a Kiss

Had a conversation with mom about my relationship with him, my goals for the future, her aspirations for the five of us, her relationship with dad, their retirement, my reponsibilities as their child & my siblings' older sister, the future grandkids & death...

There's something different about laying it all out with mom as opposed to me just "knowing" myself. Ask me what I want, where I want to be, where I will be & when will that be, & I will tell you in a heartbeat without a shred of a doubt. With mom / dad, the notion becomes sealed and it feels like from here on, it is all set in stone.

I doubt I'm the first or last one who feels this way when it comes to sharing one's intentions with the parent/s. Every side & the potential of each notion is thought out carefully and compared against the realities of the situation for then, now and the future before the final presentation is given to the one who gave birth to my conscience. Having the parent whose presence will be felt physically or merely in mind from here on to oversee my journey on the path of which I myself have chosen & in me knowing all of that prior to my sharing with her, reinforces my belief that this is truly what I desire for myself.

She approves. This means that so will he, naturally.

I derive much comfort in knowing that they trust my judgment and they believe in the potential of my ability. The fact that they are able to see how much it means to me enough to want to see my side of the story - I am content.

Hence comes the next step then: my working towards it.

An afternoon with Sadie

I looked at her from across the desk.
Parted my lips slightly and was about to say something to refute her.
The statement she had made earlier.

Somehow, I hesitated. Reined myself in...and within that split-second reflected upon what I was about to say. & what it would mean, had I have said it.

"But...?" she asked. Fully expecting me to counter her, only without judging.

The beauty of it, is that she is always ready to listen, without needing others to conform to what she thinks is "supposed to be" in terms of her worldview. She, who is one of those rare few who personally holds fast to her own principles whilst believing also that everyone is entitled to be who we are.

"... but nothing dear. Carrying on would only have meant that I mention a scenario which is completely irrelevant to our current topic of discussion simply to justify a refutation of the statement you made earlier. Even if what I said had made sense, it would only mean that I was trying to deflect the truth on the nature of what you said about about my situation. As you had made your point in relation to the specific nature of my circumstance... all that is left now is to say nothing and admit its truth.
However difficult that may be."

*smiling* "This is what happens when you put two psych students together huh?" she replied.

& that was that.


The ironic thing is, I don't even remember the "something" which I was about to say to deflect the truth in the first place. Which makes it seem so insignificant now. Only, that would be a fallacy. Arresting the workings of the ego defense mechanism, is not so simple especially when it is we who remain as our primary judge.

Peeking into your window

We talk a lot,
maybe too much even
Well I'm just curious..

What will it be like when you write?
How will you arrange the layout of your writing?
The words you'd choose to breathe life into your thoughts..
The tone of your words, the style?
Will I recognize them?
Would you be different? If so, how?
Would I see you?

For me, I face / see/ hear myself the most when I look at what I've written.
To see one's thoughts laid out in cold-cut black & white.
Letting go of conscious thought and allowing words to continuously pour through.
Come what may, let it come.
Wave after wave, I'd dash them right across the screen
Before my eyes, I look on as someone else's tale unfolds
Someone else's life.

Like the pleasure one gets from reading other people's writings
Drawn to the storyteller next to the fireplace
A moth to flame
I'm the wide-eyed child who sits crossed legged on the carpet listening attentively
Not missing a word, catching every pause, hanging onto every single word..

Peeping into the inner-workings of their/your/my world.

What can I say?

I'm voyeuristic.

The enigma of the familiar

Its funny how sometimes when one is on the brink of being tipped over the edge, a caring familiar will push us right over; while an unfamiliar makes one reel everything back in. Zippity zip~
Mind you... one's gotta do it in a hurried jiffy so that the response to the bound-to-be-uttered "how are you-s" will match one's newly rearranged expression.

In some situations though its the other way around, the familiar brings the barrier right up while the unfamiliar bowls you right over.

Though I've experienced those irritatingly wonderful relationships in which no matter how up close and all you get with he/she/it....they are always the tipping point.

The realization of that in itself, never fails to throw me off-guard.
I guess desensitization just never kicked in.

___________________________________________________________________________


Between moments of losing sense & sensibility
Amidst being caught in frustrating despair & shoving you out the door
I paused to find that all along...

I was already
Home.

Cycling through the days

Everything has its cycle. It runs its course.

Behaviour.
Cognitive patterns.
Relationships.
Events.
Biological functions.
Emotions.
Karma?
the weather!
Life.

Being fed up of feeling like I was helplessly stuck in a rut,
at some point I began creating newer cycles & re-channeling my energy into various platforms to take myself elsewhere...all in hopes of leaving old cycles behind or at least burying them into the histories of time.

Ironically it backfires as older cycles, being a cycle itself does not go away.
You may delay its return or fool yourself into thinking you're rid of it, but no.
Unfortunately / fortunately, depending on how you derive meaning from the experience. Cycles do not just disappear.

Just as the word cycle implies a physical circular motion of movement, it is of no difference even when in its metaphorical form.
Whatever the "form" may be, like a boomerang, it will return to demand its rightful audience & will never cease till it has your attention.

Our lives are governed by a series of cycles whether we like it or not.
They didn't call it the circle of life for nothing.

Everything has its cycle. It runs its course. And It will run its course.

I say, let it run then. So. be. it.

We tend to overemphasize or overrate ideas which state that life worth living Should / Must /Have to be filled with joy and happiness. But like our parents used to say, finish your damn homework before you go outside and play.

Happiness and joy are luxuries of life; which like everything else, is earned.
I am an optimist, or as some people would prefer to call, an idealist.
But I am not an idiot.

I acknowledge life for all its ugliness, evils, darkness and despair.
By choice however, I choose to believe that there will always be better days ahead. Be it rainbows, butterflies and what-nots.

Perhaps my life has not met as many problems / adversaries/ brickbats as much as others that I may have the luxury of such thought, some may say.

Still, even with my pre-determined life, shackled by the hundreds / thousands of rules & boundaries, with events which may drastically impose itself upon my life in manners which restrain all my rights to retain control...

I choose to believe that I am a free woman skipping around in heaven on earth.

For the wretched of the earth, there is flame that cannot die!
Even the darkest night will end.
And the sun, will...rise.

A.A.

The Circle of Life (oil on canvas, 22 inches by 36 inches), by Norma Conway.

Riddled with Riddles

Tell me what am I afraid of?

& I will respond you in a lie

Whisper me your secrets

They shall nibble into mine

If your vision fails your sight

Till darkness falls as night

Burrow into the darkness

Seek its depths for light

Litter in my heart

Litter in my mind

A cluttered mess

Tis a wonder I’m not blind

A broken mask it seems

Might it place you in a bind?

The conundrums of the unconscious

Oh, how you taunt me with my mind!

.

SHHhhhhh...~*

I am old enough to be trialed as an adult in the court of law.

To vote.

To be considered as an adult woman.

To legally make my own choices in life.

But in their eyes, I will always remain as their child.

The one whom they would protect from all the evils of the world.
To make sure she's aware and guarded against any kind of harm there is out there.
To make sure that she follows the rules that have guided them through life and have led them well.

She is their child, hence they want her to explore what is deemed to be safe and proper to them; as their experience and paths have guided them well.

In a nutshell, they just want her not to make the same mistakes they've witnesses others make; or to warn her about the bad decisions which they themselves have undertaken.

They are motivated by a lot of things: worry, love, fear, hope.

I know that there is nothing in their heart but my best interests.

________________________________________________________________

We don't see eye to eye with many issues.
Most times both you or I are too busy to talk about our days.
There are many things which are going on in my life which you don't know for the reason that I keep them from you or because we just talk too little.

In my heart, there are times which I know if you knew, you would not be able to accept for the reason that it is not your perception of the world or what you think of how I should be.

You have brought me up well by giving me the gift of having common sense and independence to make decisions for myself. Even so however, you are afraid to allow me to make my own choices as you have yet to grow to trust my judgment.

I have much to tell.

Bounded by Asian traditions of a child obeying one's parents, to never defy the words or wishes of one's elders and to never speak up when one's elder is speaking as it is disrespectful...
Along with your perceptions and views on life and on mine.

I can only tell just as much as you are willing to listen.

Even when it hurts.

For the words which you are unable to accept... are the reflections and the resounding words of the person whom I am inside.

The child.